wht if i said i gave up in everything im pursuing?
wht if i said i gave up trying to hold on, gluing our bond when my messages are ignored?
trying my very best to fix our broken friendship, yet to no avail?
wht if i said i gave up waiting for a love to blossom until you've figured it out?
cause it seems like you're not trying, and i looked like a fool?
wht if im gone by tomorrow, will all of you guys still call my number and by accident pause
cause im not here anymore, will you still remember me?
cause will you be there to wipe my tears just like how i'll wipe yours?
cause will you be there to ask me why, like how i'll ask you why you're sad/angry?
like the legs to a table, i've lost my support.

im tired, i started my day bad, real bad.

envisioned my future with you right by my side
i lay the deck of cards, the two spades you'll keep
among the power cards, nothing can beat its value
the most powerful one, i gave it to you
typicality aside, you're not the king of my hearts
whilst others threw the joker cards away, i'll slip one in
cause you're the joker, the one who juggles life and love
and i'll place nine of spades beside my two, it ensembles a number
to end it all, the five of spades top it all
the cards i've laid, they meant things im afraid to tell
start taking your deck out, lay the same cards
do they resemble me too?
- raddyb.

current mood: fucked up
current situation: sleep deprieved
current song: armin van buuren and dj tiesto - eternity
current wish: for the world to just shut the fuck up and let me sleep
current warning: dont trip my fucking wire, cause i have no time to entertain bullshits

5th day working. let me sum it up in one word, busy. no make tht two words, fucking busy. sometimes i wish i could drop a fart bomb and stink the whole place for a while so tht guests could stop coming in. but then again, without these people, my company wont survive. so thanks for spending lots of your moolahs, not. so anyway, i miss my social life, yes. alot. i want to have fun fun fun! please please please. :'( three more days baby, three more days.

as the world spins around, people start becoming insane. and im one of the people. its been a year now but the sight of you still leave a big smile on my face. the power you have tht others dont. well baby, you're my one and only superhero. my very own version of gambit tht has been keeping my deck of hearts. and oh, merry x'mas to those who celebrate christmas.

1. 48 hours in one day
2. to have a life
3. shopping
4. meet besties
5. you

cause whenever we're alone, its always a different story. working eleven days straight, dont bother looking for me. i might just be tht zombie tht you guys been killing in L4D.

ps: have it ever occured to you tht despite of me being fliratious with other guys, it has always been you tht i want at the end of the day? have it ever occured to you tht they're just nice to see but they're not the one tht stole my heart and breathe away? and have it ever occur to you the maximum satisfaction i get to see you smile, well baby thts way better than orgasm. talking bout orgasm, man when was the last time. shit, i need a life, an active one tht is.

awesome moves by shakira and tht boy. shakira's body is to die for and the guy is effing sexy. the chemistry between them, i love it. sometimes i wish, im a dancer and mom would support me from the start i realise tht's wht i wanna be.

cause i've been thirsting for these beats, these tunes, imma get high.

cause i once love to make all these small little gifts for my loved ones. ask my girls the things i've done during secondary school days. i bet ct still have one paper heart which was taped all over for "lamination" purposes in her wallet. hahah! and she'll never fail to show me tht paper heart i've made whenever im around her. and ekin will never fail to display the things ive done in her room. hahah! cut the story short, i miss the fact of making all the effort to make present for someone i love. cause i miss pampering someone and making him smile. the last time ive celebrated anniversary, was like let me see, hahaha! its okay. its degrading and demoralising to count the number of months i've not celebrated tht celebration in my lilfe. oh wells, we'll see. christmas round the corner, cant wait to go shopping. not for the fact tht i celebrate christmas, jsut for the fact i like the sales. but i do hope the things tht i want is still available though. im so in need of this retail theraphy. and oh, another party is awaiting for me at the end of the month. with who, i shall not reveal. till then, ive got my ticket and im excited.

Always knew that deep inside that there would come that day
That I would have to wait
Make so many mistakes
I couldn't comprehend
As I watched it unfold
I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally know I needed to grow
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Just trying to be cool
Frontin' like it didn't matter
I just ran away
Put on another face
Was lost in my own space
Found what it's like to hurt selfishly
I was scared to give of me
Afraid to just believe
Stumbled through the mess that I had made
I finally got out of my own way
I've finally started living for today
I finally know I needed to grow
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Something strange and new is happening
- fergie.

caused tht five year old girl, is growing into a lady. cause its abt time i start acting my age, its abt time i think. but despite all tht, im still tht five year old no matter what. cause right now, with or without love in my life, i know i'll make it through. i shall start living for today and not dwell in the past and look further in the future. i shall live for today. its my time to make mistake and learn from them. now is the time.

from the morning of 13th dec until now, tears have not stopped flowing. im in this emotional zone, emotional turmoil. i got sucked by the darth vader of emotional shits. i have no idea how many times my ego has been bruised and i dont know how many times i picked the pieces of my life slowly and steadily. im brought up in a way tht i should be thankful for all the small things or in direct translation - bersyukor dengan apa yang ada. actually thts the meaning of my name, in a way or another. i cant translate it in english, cause as you guys know, im bad when it comes to english vocabularies. so im just gonna say it in malay. radhiah itu maknanya redha dengan apa yang ditempuhinya. even if you give her shits in her life, she'll make through it and try to make sense out of the nonsense, to look on the bright side of the situation.

this is the first time im opening up about me and taufiq. almost a year ago, we broke up. tht all of you guys know. but you didnt know wht happened during tht break up process. if i were to tell you during tht break up process we did actually laugh, will you believe it? he was talking serious and there was a fly disturbing my concentration. and being me, i was trying to shoo it away. and tht made him laugh now and tht made me laugh and tht made the both of us happy for a moment. but again, when reality strikes, the both of us know its best if we split. now, on the night of my 19th, i met him again. again we're having emotional conversation but at the end of the day, we made each other smile and laugh knowing tht, tht will be the last meetup. surprisingly, after tht meetup, i didnt shed a tear, i was smiling instead. smiling cause i know i plucked up the courage to sneak out and meet him cause i know the what ifs questions were answered cause i know it did happen and i dont need to dream abt it ever again. and im glad and thankful cause after tht meetup, after the reality slap he gave me, i could think again. finally.

moral of the story, talk to me dont play mind games with me cause im bad. dont drag me into a situation i dont wanna be in and made me became a revengeful bitch which i was months back. i turned into someone i wasnt, into someone im afraid of. but im letting go of all tht memories one by one, slowly and steadily. and i was glad of the long message i gave him ages ago, cause finally i plucked up the courage to be out of his and her lives and not be in a situation whereby i'll be the one whose heart will be left in the comma. you both know who you are, and im glad im out of your lives. with tht, i end here and wish all the best for your love life cause i know this time round, im not in it. dont ever turn me into someone im not again but i shall thank you guys for tht cause wht didnt kill me actually make me stronger. cause im stronger to face shits in my life right now. thanks. for the record this is not abt taufiq we're talking abt. if you guys follow up abt my life, you'll know. next buddy.

now babygirl listen, cause all i wanna do is just to be there for you physically and emotionally. we have been bestfriends, we were more like sisters/twins. you were my pillar of strengh. disitulah radhiah, disitualah ct. disitulah noii, disitulah dee. we're almost inseperable. babygirl, please just talk to me. i beg of you. please, im waiting. i love you, tht you knw baby, always. if i could laugh when im having an emotional conversation when im with taufiq, i know i can make you smile during our emotional conversation too. cause babygirl, i was the reason for your smiles and laughters, we all were.

first and foremost i would like to thank all the messages, the birthday songs you guys sang, the fb messages, the face-to-face wish and the mini celebration. you guys know who you are and yes i appreciate every single one of it. i cant thank enough. i will do a proper update once i've compiled the photos. yes, i've been lying to you readers. photos are all in my lappy, its just tht im so fucking lazy to compile it. cause one, im tired two, i dont have the free time like i used to. cause right now im a working adult. chey, mp. baru nineteen sia radd, sudah lah kau. now if you think im lame, put the L word on your forehad for me please. cheers buddy.

look im already physically, mentally and emotionally tired. please i beg of you, every single one of you to stop doing what you're doing. ive reached to a certain point tht i cant be bothered with every single things tht you've pushed to my ears, seriously and honestly. if you think im a slut, be it. if you think im a bitch, be it. without me wanting to know things, news come to me at the speed of light. just cause im this young little naive girl, doesnt mean i know nothing. news have been spreading, words have been manipulated. so, what now mate? cheers buddy.

i cant feel my leg, my shoulders are aching, drastic eye bags, light headed, trance music. now if you think im on drugs, you're wrong. if you think im on booze, you're wrong again. wanna know something, im just fucking tired, tired of you, tired of me, tired of life. yes, im tired of life. emo sia radd. abeh what to do, every one just want to pull me down. takpe uh, lagu dah on, shake everybody shake. one, two, three, go. cheers buddy.

i admit the stuffs tht i did was to attract your attention, thinking tht if i were like you, maybe you'll like me too. but i was wrong. you fell in love with the old radhiah, the one tht never did all this nonsense in her life before. she was leaded astray, she was an adrenaline junkie. but after yesterday night, you made me think. though you have changed, you are still the same. and im glad for tht, you talked sense back to me and im regaining back my old life. the one tht i missed the most. with or without you by my side, radhiah's gonna succeed and focus on doing you proud. cause i promise, i promise i wont do stuffs again. please re-appear if you miss me, until then, you know i will always love you, always. cause i know you will always love me too.

cause im trying my best to be sane when im getting insane by the second. too many things happening at one time tht i dont even know wht to do. for the record i've forgotten how to love and how it feels to be in love. i've forgotten how to live life and feel alive. and 29 more minutes to my birthday and here im am trying my best not to tear, cause i dont want it to come. cause there's a possibility, i might be forgotten yet again.

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated
Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
- no doubt.

cause i want either of the cake or cupcakes on my birthday, with an orange vespa please. cause you know i deserve this cake/cupcakes more than anything. im hinting, now take the hint babygirls and boys. hahahahahhaha! demanding eh radd. biasa lah, korang nyer *ehems* babygirl *coughs* lah kan, adik kesayangan/puteri/princess/intan payung ec cetera. hehehheehehhe! radd suka suka skali, *clap hands*. now, be my one and only birthday wish.

the problem is you were trying to be who you were before and you've changed since molly - matt.

fast forward to 3:08, tht's the highlight of this episode. the question is, if i fall, will you take me by the hand. and if i have a question in my head, will you kiss me to answer tht only one question, to make me feel tht its worth it. its been quite some time and i think i've lost my carefree spirit cause if i were the person who i was before, i wouldnt be thinking abt the consequences. cause as i get older, im bound by the responsibilities i have to carry. cause im afraid, afraid to set my self free and put my heart upfront again. time will tell.

life's full of drama and everyday is a different scene. without me knowing im the actress with you being my narrator, my director. with a few calefares tht never fail to do what they do best and tht is being extras in the dramas. now, im sick and tired of being accused of things tht i didnt do. love is selfish baby but look im never a home wrecker, i dont go for guys with ring on his finger. cause i prefer single men cause i dont share baby. you can have what's rightfully yours, take it, keep it, save it, im not interested. cause when i say he's just a friend, he's just a friend. roll the dice, toss the coin, which party are you gonna listen to?

you're a dope boy, im a simple girl. aint your type and i knew it from the start cause baby we're worlds apart. time is precious, silence is golden. overdosage of both, harmful to one's life. aint rushing, aint pushing, no pressure, my treasure. cause baby with ego as barriers, we're afraid of the words we've yet to say.

its been a long time and without me realising it tears start rolling. i've reached my breaking point. work is a burden at this point of time and there's no motivation for me to continue doing what im doing. nothing, period. alright, a few exceptions here and there. apart from tht, yes i dont wish to continue. maybe im missing my girls too much, maybe i miss my guybesties too much, maybe i miss my tp babies too much, maybe i miss my twinnie too much. again, work has been taking my time, and it fucking annoys me, fucking annoys me to the maximum. wished i could run away and leave everything behind. everything, even my name, even you.

and so the movie was great only tht it lacked of details like the book. wells, of course, i cant expect the movie to be exactly the same as how the book was narrated. nevertheless, i love taylor lautner aka jacob black. seriously edward's pale body is nothing compared to jacob's tanned buffed body. oh wells, new moon will always be my favourite book out of the four.

i was emotionally connected to the movie. damn, i could see your face when the characters were talking. i could see you in both edward and jacob. it was hard for me to fully concentrate without you at the back of my head. my birthday is coming, now will you do me the honour of re-celebrating my 18th on my 19th? like bella said, its my birthday, will you kiss me?

fast forward to 4:44. just a background, daniel's wife, molly is dead and he is trying to get to "her" world, whatsoever. the point is, its hard to let go of something when you never get the chance to say goodbye. you know, how it hurts trying to feel something real but its not, in the end you're just deluding yourself. been wanting to say goodbye, but those goodbye(s) are just a series of a short followup of me saying hello again to feel something tht isnt real. maybe just maybe, you get it, maybe you dont.

and how easy it is to say hello but hard to say goodbye. like i've said, im stronger than you thought, cause you would have said goodbye a long time ago. trust me on this, its easier than you think, cause im ready to hear your goodbye.

When the nights start fading and the mornin' arrives
I wanna still feel you around
Will you creep into my head again and pick me up off the ground
- mad caddies.

there you were in my dreams, your face so clear, your emotions i could feel, your voice i could hear, your skin i could feel. you made me smile, you made me feel the pain, even in my dreams i was aware you were not mine to begin with. though every day is a different scene, the feelings your presence left behind is always the same and i'll wake up thinking abt the dream over and over again like a broken record. it seems your presence do know when im down, when i need a shoulder to cry on. and your presence, without fail will appear in my dreams comforting me, making me smile then you'll fade, and i'll be back to the original position im in. as much as it comforts me, it haunts me too. every night, i'll pray, i'll wish upon a star, that maybe someday...it hurts.

my favourite month is here. now, last december was hectic. now i wish upon a star yet again, this year december will be a good month. maybe this time, they'll remember me. its abt a year now...again it hurts.